My version of walking into the middle of the woods and screaming!

I realised that anyone reading this would probably think I'm a self pitying moaner ... In my 'real life' I always try to do neither but occasionally, I get overwhelmed with being strong and coping so I come here and write down how I'm really feeling. It's pretty cathartic.I don't ever have the opportunity to physically walk into the woods and scream* so here I am ... Right now ... I'm feeling like I'm wasting my life away. I'm so busy worrying about tomorrow that I rarely enjoy today. Trouble is, I'm a divorced parent, with no family and no close friends, looking after my children who all have varying degrees of disability/health issues. If I don't worry ...who will? *how terrifying would that be, to be walking your dog and then come across some anoraked and wellied woman bawling her lungs out?

This place ....

This place, this blog, is where I come in my darkest, loneliest moments. The moments when even Pinterest won't subdue my mind. The place I come when self pity and pity for my children overtakes me ... Why? Why is my most asked question. Why do people who are vile, devious, mean, cheating evil people get the good life? The great jobs, the loving partner, the army of friends, the sweet life and here's me and my kids, i've brought them up well, to be kind, respectful, loving, forgiving, caring, funny, persevering human beings. They don't tell (big) lies, they don't get wasted, the don't steal or cheat, they don't do drugs, they're not promiscuous, they don't drop litter ... They do hold doors open, use manners, smile at strangers, give time and money to charity, be kind to animals, work hard, help round the house, .. . and yet our lives are so far from sweet. How is that fair? Sometimes I tell myself that I deserve it because I'm just sitting here feeling sorry for us while these 'other people' are out there getting the qualifications, getting the job, getting the great guy/girl ... Then I remind myself that they have the opportunities. I dont. Some people say to me "you'll be rewarded in the after/next life" or "you must've been a wrong un in your last life" ... I dont believe in God, if 'he' existed then he has abandoned me just like everyone else -mother, father, brothers, sister, friends - common denominator = me. I am not worthy of love.

Failure ... epic or otherwise.

I fear failing. I fear failing so, I do nothing. I sit around procrastinating, pointless apps that match up boxes or Facebook, Pinterest ... watching other people winning, living ... While I just sit here failing at living, scraping by at existing. I want to start living, I just don't know how ...

My Teenager has suffered ... she has suffered more than anyone deserves. But now, the things she has suffered have sat... festering,rotting,fermenting inside her and they are now exploding from her like the Alien from Sigourny Weaver and now ... Now it's us that are suffering Mother Sisters Baby brother. Her violence Her anger Her hatred Her moods Her self harm Her self destruction.

Why...

Why...

Do i cry so much?

can i not help and know the right thing to do?

cant i just go to the D?

why is the world soooooo shit? if it's so full of lovely people, where are they???

why dont my cakes turn out like i hoped they would?

why me?

why her?

why us?

why am i crying ... again?

Not how my Sunday should really be...

Hello Sunday

Really good to see you, it's been a while ...

However, it would've nice of you to sprinkle a bit of Sunday magic on my children too!

As today is day 2 of a migraine i reeeeeeally could have done with a break from #4 refusing LOUDLY to get his poo filled nappy changed, #3 whining cause she cant find 1. school bag 2. my pet dolphin DS game 3. the crumpets 4. her slippers 5. her own backside????? *note to self, fit GPS tracking to ANYTHING #3 may ever possibly need ever again in her life so that she can find it without needing to be banging on the toilet door while i am on the other side of it* AND from #2 and her memory loss and general toddler strops. #1 made me coffee and cleaned the kitchen ... she isn't #1 because she did this and was the only one of my 4 babies to show me kindness when my head feels like it contains a medicine ball... but because she is my first born ...

Sunday you usually bring me a lie in... if only 'til 8:30 and a little less stress than on a school day when its like Piccadilly circus on tryhexyphenidyl here ...

Sundays should include some if not all of the following

Coffee
baking
Postsecret
sunshine
sewing
diy
dvds
snuggles
picnics
day trips
laughter
catch ups

So, to conclude ... my first ever blog post was written whilst in pain and in pain ... *hmmm i must be in more pain than i though as iv written it twice* ... in pain and grumpy ...

It can only get better ...
Love Ellie Xx