This place ....

This place, this blog, is where I come in my darkest, loneliest moments. The moments when even Pinterest won't subdue my mind. The place I come when self pity and pity for my children overtakes me ... Why? Why is my most asked question. Why do people who are vile, devious, mean, cheating evil people get the good life? The great jobs, the loving partner, the army of friends, the sweet life and here's me and my kids, i've brought them up well, to be kind, respectful, loving, forgiving, caring, funny, persevering human beings. They don't tell (big) lies, they don't get wasted, the don't steal or cheat, they don't do drugs, they're not promiscuous, they don't drop litter ... They do hold doors open, use manners, smile at strangers, give time and money to charity, be kind to animals, work hard, help round the house, .. . and yet our lives are so far from sweet. How is that fair? Sometimes I tell myself that I deserve it because I'm just sitting here feeling sorry for us while these 'other people' are out there getting the qualifications, getting the job, getting the great guy/girl ... Then I remind myself that they have the opportunities. I dont. Some people say to me "you'll be rewarded in the after/next life" or "you must've been a wrong un in your last life" ... I dont believe in God, if 'he' existed then he has abandoned me just like everyone else -mother, father, brothers, sister, friends - common denominator = me. I am not worthy of love.

Failure ... epic or otherwise.

I fear failing. I fear failing so, I do nothing. I sit around procrastinating, pointless apps that match up boxes or Facebook, Pinterest ... watching other people winning, living ... While I just sit here failing at living, scraping by at existing. I want to start living, I just don't know how ...